When will the massed ranks of the television industry’s self-important clipboard carriers learn that we don’t really care whether or not their little programmes are live?
While telly types go weak at the knees at the idea of broadcasting to the nation “as it happens”, we the long-suffering viewers can hardly contain our apathy.
Which brings us to Airport Live… a breathtakingly banal four-night disaster that those highbrow intellectuals at BBC2 should be ashamed of. So embarrassingly bad it was hilarious.
In fairness to hopeless host Kate Humble (airhead live?), she was parachuted in at the last moment because Dan Snow had to pull out for family reasons.
But boy was the gushing former Springwatch girl out of her depth!
In the absence of open-beaked baby birds to gasp at, calamity Kate went gaga about big jets and Heathrow’s “never ending daily dance”.
But no matter how many times Ms Manic Enthusiasm breathlessly said “amazing” or “incredible” (at least 25 times a minute) the non-event action remained relentlessly dull.
This wasn’t dumbed down TV… it was lobotomised air crash TV.
A dimwitted dirge that didn’t so much insult our intelligence as assume we didn’t have any.
“Amazed” and “incredibly privileged” to be mingling with men in grey at the top of the control tower, Kate shrieked: “If you thought Strictly Come Dancing was complicated… you should be standing on this balcony!” Who thinks Strictly Come Dancing is complicated? Oh that’s right… absolutely no one.
Meanwhile, down on the ground, Humble’s partner-in-crime Anita Rani was spewing nerd-facts like a woman possessed.
“The Airbus 380,” she began. “The largest passenger aircraft. It can take 853 passengers, it has wingspan of 80 metres and it weighs 560 tons… blah blah bloody blah.”
And if that wasn’t exciting enough… some guy called Dallas Campbell (a funny version of Vernon Kay) was actually on board a plane as it taxied towards its dock. Which Kate found “pretty amazing”.
The good news was that keen Kate had been “swotting up” and she now knew what a jumbo jet looked like. Who doesn’t?
After reminding us three times that the control tower was 86 metres high, the well informed presenter announced that the Airbus 380 tipped the scales at 556 tons. So it was losing weight. The jumbo was a consistent 363 tons.
“How on Earth do these enormous machines get off the ground and stay in the sky?” inquired curious Kate. “It’s a question that’s pretty difficult to answer. But Dallas is going to give it a go…”
Take it away Dallas: “The basics of how a plane takes off are surprisingly simple…” As opposed to difficult.
On and on this moronic inferno raged….
Kate declaring: “If we pan down to that table, there were doughnuts there earlier.” Crumbs.
Anita pointing at empty tarmac and droning on about “the elaborate dance of the turnaround”. That’s enough dancing!
Dallas asking a bloke in overalls: “Tell us exactly what you do.” Bloke in overalls: “We service the engine with oil.”
And, courtesy of the Beeb’s free advertising department, that man Dallas again delivering a fine commercial for Singapore Airlines and its unrivalled first class beds.
This blizzard of dreary information might interest a few small boys. But this is BBC2. Not CBBC2.
And for the last time, going live isn’t the be-all and end-all. What next? Library Live? Corner Shop Live? Petrol Station Live?
Don’t laugh… some idiot producer will already have decided that all three could be “amazing”.
First Dates with disaster – you’ll love it
Over to a gloomy London restaurant… where incompatible couples were being filmed for the latest of Channel 4’s millions of dating programmes.
First Dates… TV’s answer to matchmaking websites. In which we witnessed wide eyed romantic hopefuls embarking on love’s great journey… with disastrous results. Which was as funny as it was compelling.
The undisputed star of the show was the unbelievably tolerant Fayhe, a lovely lass who got lumbered with clueless oaf Will.
“I’m gonna get pissed out of me face,” he vowed before launching into a series of ideal conversational topics ranging from excrement to paedophilia. Eat your heart out Casanova. Will’s going to be single for a long time.
Ditto 68-year-old Richard… whose interest in clocks didn’t interest dumbstruck pensioner Ann.
Meanwhile, bad news for financier Tom when prim teen Emily announced: “I’m quite a goody two shoes.” Forget it Tom… find someone who isn’t.
This was reality telly worth watching. Now, how about Last Dates? Guys and girls who hate each other staging their final climactic arguments. Let’s face it… we’d all tune in.
Big Brother the loser in race row drummed up for for ratings
Geordie voice: “11.57 … Gina has been applying make-up for the past 47 minutes.” And she still looks like crap.
Big Brother’s “secrets and lies”. No one cares.
Mainly because “professional actor” Michael’s performance is so amateurish the other housemates are clearly pretending they haven’t rumbled him.
But when a boring BB series (eg. this one) pulls in lacklustre ratings there’s nothing like a race row to drum up interest.
And so it was that, with a depressing inevitability, poor dim Jemima was branded “a racist bitch” for no apparent reason.
Wrongly accused by the dreadful Gina, the ancient “gold digger” was swiftly convicted by publicity-hungry producers battling to boost their puny viewing figures.
All Jemima did was reveal she didn’t fancy black men. A question of personal taste… not white supremacy.
Sadly, she was too inarticulate to defend herself. After the bemused old bat got her final warning, I felt sorry for her. For all of three seconds…
Baad Baad Shaz Sheep… another Channel 4 loser
Here’s a great idea for a riveting series… Changing Rooms with Sharon Osbourne and sheep’s placenta. Must-miss TV.
Another winner from the losers at Channel 4, for whom preposterous programmes are a way of life.
This pile of ludicrous tosh is called Hollywood Me. And f*** me… it’s awful!
So jawdroppingly awful that I was glued to the screen. Laughing like a drain as generously proportioned interior designer Martin Lawrence Bullard (think Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen only far fatter) desperately insisted he’s “world famous”.
Word of advice, Mart. If you have to explain why you’re world famous to people who wouldn’t know you from Adam… you’re not world famous.
But, credit where it’s due, the surreal sight of this camp chubster waddling around Peterborough in his too-tight clothes was wildly entertaining.
After ambushing hard-working mum Emily Bates, the theatrically pretentious “da Vinci of design” bullied his cowering minions into turning her drab 60s house into an OTT suburban palace.
If that wasn’t bad enough, poor Emily was shipped off to Los Angeles where Old Ma Osbourne forced her to undergo loads of wacko Californian beauty treatments.
As some quack rubbed sheep’s placenta into her face, Emily giggled: “I’m finding this hard to take seriously.” She wasn’t the only one…
Louise Thompson: laid in Chelsea?
Made In Chelsea… there’s only one thing worse than having a 3ft 2in girlfriend. And that’s having a 3ft 2in girlfriend who spends the night with some dweeb from One Direction.
Laid in Chelsea? Little Louise Thompson insists her encounter with boybander Niall Horan was innocent. Jealous Andy Jordan is not convinced. You decide…
In bad Voice
The Voice… and give it up for Holly Willoughby! Give what up? Smoking? This crap show was enough to make you start.
Who won? Who cares?
But here’s “the legendary Sir Tom Jones” and his legendary £15,000 hotel bill. Which we paid for. Yay!
Not so special reunions
I suppose it’s a sign of these emotionally incontinent times that a programme that bottles up tears and packages heart-rending reunions is immediately hailed as deeply moving.
But to be brutally honest… after 60 manipulative minutes of ITV’s sickly-sentimental Long Lost Family my eyes were as dry as a bone.
Hosts Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell are seasoned professionals who do a fine job.
Especially, when they diplomatically retreat to allow the various parents and adopted children to enjoy their special moment with no one watching.
Apart from the camera crew…
Answer time
Question Time… questions: If Russell Brand was supposed to be the comedian of the panel, how come he wasn’t nearly as funny as mad Melanie Phillips?
And isn’t Frank Spencer sound-alike Russ a bit old for silly student politics?
Cold comfort
The Call Centre… and BBC3’s top team reminded us what a great guy tycoon Nev Wilshire is when they asked us: “What’s your favourite Nevism?”
Mine’s the one where his cold-calling companies were fined £225,000 for harassing people.
Bad manners, good cakes
Yet more dating as The Apprentice’s talentless woodentops went into the matchmaking business and a furious Nick Hewer accused the unlovely Luisa of “the most disgraceful display of bad manners”.
Yes, Nick. But she does make exceedingly good cakes.
My Fave Line
BBC3’s unwatched Sweat The Small Stuff… and unlistened to Nick Grimshaw declares: “It’s the last in the series.” Promise?
Series end for MTV masterpiece The Valleys… and naughty Natalie describes getting her nipples pierced: “It’s like anal sex gone wrong.” What a star!
TV gold… TV dross…
TV gold… The Returned: dead French people – what’s not to like? The Borgias. David Platt’s psycho face on Corrie.
TV dross… The unlovely Luisa’s appalling manners on The Apprentice. Trojan Donkey: yet another Candid Camera rip off that isn’t funny. Frankie: Frankie my dear – I don’t give a damn.
A breathtakingly banal four-night disaster that those highbrow intellectuals ...
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét